Negotiating Without an Enemy

James R. Rector
Publisher, Profiles in Leadership Journal

Practical Insights for Emerging Executives

Leadership is full of negotiations over budgets, deadlines, expectations, and ideas. Most of these are not formal, sit-at-the-table sessions. They are quiet, everyday moments where you are trying to move people, and they are trying to move you.

One of the biggest mistakes a leader can make is to slip into a “me versus them” mindset. When you frame others as opponents, every conversation becomes a battle. You may win the exchange but lose trust, loyalty, and collaboration.

A better way is to remind yourself:

People are not your enemies. They are people with their own goals, pressures, and fears. They are for themselves, not against you.

When you approach a negotiation with this in mind, your tone softens, your questions improve, and your listening deepens. Instead of trying to win a point, you begin to explore how both of you can win something that matters.

This shift is not only true at work. At home, many of our daily interactions are negotiations in disguise. A teenager asking for the car, a partner asking for more help in the kitchen, even the simple question of where to spend the weekend. If you treat those moments as contests, you create distance. If you treat them as two people seeking what matters most, you create connection.

Practical moves for leaders and for families:

• Reframe the moment: Before the conversation, think about what the other person truly wants.
• Ask open questions: “Help me understand what is most important to you right now.”
• Listen for pressure points: Not to gain advantage, but to understand the reality they are living under.

The shift is subtle but powerful. When you stop seeing an adversary and start seeing a partner with different needs, negotiations stop draining you and start building you.

3-Minute Takeaway:

Leaders who drop the “enemy” lens find more options, more goodwill, and better long-term results both at work and at home.

The 3-Minute Leader™ is a weekly series offering practical insights for emerging and promotable executives.